You leave me Speechless

I have a confession to make

But I hope You can read tears and hear silence

Cuz this won’t be easy…

Remember the time You formed me in my mother’s womb

And You looked on me with Love

Writing my story out in Your many manuscripts,

With blood as the ink and the cross as the paper…

Well, I spoiled the plot.

I refused to be the spotless angelic princess You envisioned

And fell out of rhythm with Your heart

When I caused me to be miscarried

Miscarrying the task set before me…

To exist, to be…

In and only in You

I, not believing that I was worth You,

Found that all of who You are was just too much for me…

And in finding that out, I wanted to discover if You were enough for me

So I traded Your unfathomable Love for a quick taste of a cheap lie

And guess where it landed me…

Here

I have a confession to make

But I hope You can stand the stench that I reek of

And the odor that inhabits my life

Remember the time I left You waiting at the Altar

Even though You had paid the Price – for me to wear a white dress

And for US to have Our wedding underneath the grandeur of the stars that You

Effortlessly arranged in the sky…

They spelt out my name, and even now still do, and yet

I rejected You

Remember when I left You at the Altar?

Well, I soiled that dress… by jumping around in the mud with Satan

Remaining married to his grime when You had promised me the clouds

I spoiled the plot, again…

I refused to be Your masterpiece

Refused to understand how You could see beauty in what didn’t seem beautiful

I refused to wear white even though You promised me white as snow was possible

Refused to meet You, and to allow the Master to officiate Our union

I cast You aside, in disbelief

And shame

And guess where it landed me…

Here

I have a confession to make

But I hope You can read pain and hear distress

Cuz this won’t be easy…

There was a war going on within me

My soul was so out of rhythm with Your Spirit and I was losing it

Losing the plot, losing sight of You…

I, eyes wide shut, entered a dark place

I was groping around in darkness, grabbing at what I thought was You

But see I didn’t understand that darkness could not exist in and with You

So when I clung to what I thought was You, with eyes wide shut in pitch darkness

I didn’t know I was clinging to Satan, who refused to hand over the freedom I thought I had gained

I clung on to what I thought was You, fooled by his charming voice and irresistible charm

And then I opened my eyes

And all I was left with was his bastard child, with horns for ears and pitch-forks for hands

It was screaming and wailing disgustingly, torturing my soul with its eerie eyes

I, was left behind with this Sinfully Transmitted Disease

With my perfect white dress soiled with the sickening lifeblood of a fiend I knew I could never love

I had transgressed You and look where it left me…

Forgive me Father,

I am so inclined to linger and lag behind;

My will is weak but even so my desire is strong and I want to grow

Grow

Grow out of this dead world and into You

I want to be synchronized with You

Your Spirit and my soul moving as one

I am tired of letting the past and useless details choke up Your existence

Tired of back pedaling against my call like Moses,

Or living with Joshua where the grass is always greener in someone else’s yard

That yard is dangerous

Cuz if it’s not Yours it sure belongs to that scum that left me filthy and shamed

Tired of being a slave, knowing full well that Christ set me free yet still wanting to be chained

I am tired of settling for love that won’t last,

Living life married to the mud when I was promised the clouds

I couldn’t tell You were in Love with me because this world was confusing me

And look where it left me…

You who forms the mountains,

Who creates the wind,

And who reveals His thoughts to mankind;

You who turns dawn to darkness

And treads on the heights of the earth –

The Lord God is Your name…

You who searches hearts and minds

You saved my life from death…

You were whipped so that the veil could be ripped

And I, Your bride, could look on You with Love

As You read Your vows to me

Underneath the grandeur of the stars…

You, saying You do and will Love me and follow me even to the depths of my sin

You, made a promise and delivered

Yet I was so blinded by this world

I missed it all

When I was meant to witness it all

You found me hiding behind all my disguises

You saw everything that I am, and still came for me and died

You wiped my slate clean, sat down with me and showed me Your masterpiece

Me, the Master’s piece, envisioned before time began

You gave me the Master’s Peace

You showed me Your love

Your love commanding life and deserving devotion

You became the reason for all my commotion

To whom can I compare You?

No means of measure can define Your limitless Love

You, found me curled up in fear

Fearing men, which meant I wasn’t truly free

And You came and told me Truth

And indeed You set me free

I have a confession to make

You are everything, everything I have ever wanted…

All in One

My life I intend to give to You…

In appreciation I do it willingly

In obedience I do it faithfully

In affection I do it lovingly

I live for this and this I am prepared to give my life for,

Your unselfish Love

Your pure and righteous Love

I have a confession to make

But I hope You can read tears and hear silence

Cuz You leave me speechless…

Just Like His Brothers

 What, what is man that You are mindful of him? –

The son of man, that You care for him?

You –

Formed us after the image of Your own being

Gave us breath – breath from the purest most sacred source –

You –

Placed the cleanest most righteous above everything,

Leaving nothing that is not subject to Him –

Christ –

You –

Made Him flesh so He could descend from His throne of glory

Yet not descend from His state of glory, righteousness

Put on earth to reveal to man that

You –

Are mindful of him, that

You –

Care for him,

You –

Made death drink from his own cup

Through death He –

Christ –

Put to death the sting and curse of death,

Trampling on death for all,

That none may come face to face with death, because…

IT IS FINISHED!

Bringing us, now His brothers, to glory

To You –

For whom and through whom everything finds being,

Father and He – the Son

Shared in our humanity…

You –

Through Christ – became like us in every way and made atonement

For sins that were crushing [You] and destroying us,

You –

Made him like us to rescue us from the labyrinth of torture and pitch blackness so

You –

Could immerse us in the lake of mercy – of His blood

You – took one who was Holy and Perfect and crowned Him

With thorns – a crown of Ultimate Glory,

Made Him like His brothers that He may call them to glory and honor…

You made us brothers.

Messages in a Dream

Don’t wake me up…

I want this dream to be my life

Its purity makes me feel heaven bound

Its genuineness unearthly

Don’t wake me up…

This is all I’ve ever imagined and more

A common ground shared by two hearts

Hearts that want nothing more than to love

With the entirety of the Word [God] itself [Himself]

Don’t wake me up…

I don’t believe the world is as fragrant as this place I now find myself

“Sweet Seraphim Infusions” he mutters

I believe him, surely this is heaven

Don’t wake me up…

I am in the process of learning to trust that promises last

The world is plastered with fleeting moments of happiness

Only God knows what will last, pure joy

Don’t wake me up…

I am in conversation with the heavenlies

My heart is beating in response to words spoken to my soul

I am not scared, simply amazed

That such grace is mine

Don’t wake me up…

The sound of his voice feeds my longing heart

It floods my mind, my soul with the purest of thoughts

It melts my heart… his voice

Don’t wake me up…

Lest the promise of his countenance is not what my eyes will behold

Assure me I will be permitted to cradle myself in his arms

Convince me he will be beside me when I wake

If not…

Don’t wake me up…

Even then…

Let me, let him, let US savor this dream

Under the wing of He who Lives

Caged in His Love… Let us dream

Dear Dearly Departed

“He who has an ear let him hear…”
I write this for the ones,
who have long left us,
For the souls set free,
For the hearts now filled with glee,
For no more pain they see
No more agony…

Dear Dearly Departed,
I envy your freedom,
I covet your peace,
Peace found in the ultimate silence of the heart,
Silence of the voices of the earth that harass and question,
Voices that vex the soul; pester the being…

Get behind me oh Satan, and yet he lingers…

Dear Dearly Departed
I envy your free breath,
For life is dead, as alive as your remains that remain in the earth,
Rotting away in the filth of this immoral world
The worms the words I speak, the maggots the actions that are products of my thoughts…
Don’t look at me from whence you are free,
My shame makes me desire to cross over, to you…

Get behind me oh death, and yet he remains striking…

Dear Dearly Departed
Where have you taken my joy?
Where has the ecstasy of my youth vanished to?
Where are the eyes of innocence that once I looked through?
Shall I follow you to find me again?
Shall I seek you out to discover my actuality?
Shall I…

Get behind me oh doubt, and yet he bedevils me…

Dear Dearly Departed
I have not yet accepted that you are now absent
For my mind will not allow sorrow my heart to corrupt,
And my heart will not see faith my soul forget.
For dare I charge you with my groan and fear,
A great injustice I will do to you,
For I would be sending to you this world’s grimy mess.

Get behind me oh sorrow, you have no room here.

I Look At You

“Where do you come from? Where are you going? “– Joran Greef


These two questions were posed to a class of about 100 students yesterday. A young man, so nervous in his stance, yet resolute in his speech asked these questions and made me stop and re-think my life for a little while.

Where do you come from? Where are you going?

Joran was a guest lecturer for one of my courses, New Venture Planning, and in all honesty I expected him to talk about how he started his venture, how he failed but kept his head high until success was realized. But he didn’t say any of that, and quite frankly I am glad he didn’t. Instead, he took the lives of icons, opened our eyes to these icons while delicately weaving a lesson; a lesson that perhaps requires some soul searching, but is valuable and worthy of mentioning.

In doing so, he induced in me the need to have a concrete answer for these two questions, for in the answers to them, lays my purpose, my reason for being, my passions….

I thought about it for a while…and when prompted again with the question, I answered:

“I come from the place I seek and endeavor to return to: at my Father’s feet”

Yes… my life is a journey in this big world… I am only a traveler, passing by. This world is not my home. I am the sojourner, and my destination is my home…my destination is at the throne of the King of kings and Lord of lords… at my Father’s feet.

CASUALTIES OF TIME - a somewhat "what am i saying to myself" post

Normal day let me be aware of the treasure you are.
Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow.
~ Mary Jean Irion ~

AH! It’s that time of the year again…when the stress levels grow exponentially and the need and sense for “me” time is the only thing filling my mind… But this year, well, is kind of different. There are so many lessons life would like to teach us…whether we’re willing to learn or not. Life doesn’t pretty much care who you are or what you’ve done… and that’s the fun (and sometimes sad) part about it…

Well… I know this time of year and the pressures it can bring with it. I have been there… In years past, I moaned, and groaned, and cried about the usual casualties of time… relationships, friendships, fun, vivaciousness and life itself… but then I realized… “It’s not life that stopped… I just stopped living life”…and I vowed to turn it all around and never again let it happen…

Fast forward to today, and I just caught myself reading THE most depressing (but funny enough TRUE) article. And what stood out to me in this depressingly true article were the words “TICK TOCK CHIP CHIP”… because that is exactly what happens… the ticking clock of our lives chips away at the things that [we think] matter most in our lives, and later we realize… “Oh… there’s been another casualty”…

Well… yes… there’s been a casualty… there was one last year… one the other year and many more over the years past… and to be honest, I have realized that once I have identified the next casualty, something within me lets go… and creates room for new experiences, new lessons… new everything…

The art of letting go… that’s what I have deemed it. Reaching that point where you realize “hmmm… I’m getting too old to blame it on life, time and whatever else is there to blame it on”… am I growing up? Maybe or maybe not…

The reason I stopped blogging was not time… it was me… uninspired and brain dead…

The reason I stopped calling was not busy-ness…there was no urge…no force pushing me to do it

The reason I stopped singing is not school… it was me… making a decision to stop living

The reason I didn’t get that awesome “R500” deal for a professional photo-shoot was not the fact that “they “ wouldn’t do it with me… it was me… too afraid to live and let live…

The reason I didn’t do it… was because I was too busy trying to convince myself that the imaginary monster I’d formed in my head was not towering over me as I cowered into a little corner…drenched in fear and petrified to my wits end…

These are the lessons life is teaching me…and learning them is painful… yet somehow, I am beginning to comprehend these lessons… even though they hurt…

Life has taught me…

Time is a circus, always packing up and moving away. (Ben Hecht)


P.S I like the circus!!!!!

...u remind me

This... this is for the man whose heart, when i met him, reminded me of someone i knew... in him, embedded, was an image of this person that i knew so very well but... but... i couldn’t put my finger on it... this man reminded me of someone i knew, and intimately so, because when i saw his heart, something within me smiled and my mind began to register all these movements, quakes, shivers that my heart was pumping and my soul screaming out because he reminded me of someone i knew...and intimately so...

and he made me feel the very same emotions that this person made me feel... my senses responded knowingly and naturally to him as they would to this person i knew... there were no limits and no boundaries as i poured my soul out to him to let him into the very me-ness of who i am; as i showed him that i am not perfect, but i am learning – a work in progress... and just like this person i knew, he said to me “you are lovely”...and in so doing reminded me of the voice of my Mighty God and Father who formed me in my mothers womb...equipping me, shaping me, moulding me in secret to display me in public so that His glory may shine...

and when he said to me “beloved”, i couldn’t help but go down on my knees and pray to Almighty Father ...”cuz dear Lord he reminds me of someone i knew...and intimately so...” , but i couldn’t put my finger on it... and as i continued to search his heart and and find out who this man is, i couldn’t help but allow my body to buckle under the weight of the amazement i felt, saw, heard, remembered cuz even then he reminded me of someone i knew...and intimately so...
and then early one morning, i found myself awake and on my knees, seeking God and asking God who this man who so reminds me of someone i knew (and intimately so) was...and i was led to read from the Holy book a lil’ story about love in 1 Cor 13...and as i read it an saw in it things id never registered in my mind before, i found my fingers frantically moving through the Holy Book, listening to the guiding hands of Almighty Yahweh...and next i found myself on 2 Tim 4:16-18... two seconds later i am on James and he is telling me secrets of heaven in chapter 4:12-17...then in God’s own language of love i read Acts 2:17-21...but it didn’t end there....almost as if i was being taken on some treasure hunting and treasure finding adventure, i landed on Eph 5:18, 1 Tim 6:20, 1 Tim 5:1-2...and the tears streamed down my face as i realised all these words came together to form a (our) story:

in His mighty Love (1 Cor 13)
He rescued me, him, us, from the snares of darkness
to bring us to heavenly freedom in His kingdom (2 Tim 4:16-18)
according to His wiil that we may boast that He took
2 bones ad made them one body... (Jas 4: 12-17)
One Prophet...One Visionary...both seeing the wonder of
God as they call out His name (Acts 2:17-21)
with the Spirit poured out on them and into them,
so drunk in His love (Eph 5:18)
that they may safely guard that which was entrusted to them (1 Tim 6:20)
exhort, respect and love with absolute purity... (1 Tim 5:1-2)

so i prayed... i prayed and prayed about this man and for this man who reminded me of someone i knew...and intimately so... prayed and prayed because i found pleasure in saying his name in God’s presence and telling Daddy about this boy who made me feel...this boy who reminded me of someone i knew...and intimately so...
and so, i told Daddy and said:

he’s a believer, a son of God – the bearer of Christ, his name Christopher is fitting... he respects and admires the Lord and exalts the Lord in His Sovereignty and he never once doubted His Kingship even when the sun seemed to smite him...repeatedly...he is confident, assertive and leads with pure integrity...
he is courageous and amazingly humble and his language is love and respect and he deserves love and respect and admiration... like God loves family, he loves his family – past, present and future – and my ears tingle at the utter clarity he has in his vision and purpose as he advises me to focus on what matters and encourages me to do the #BestWeCan... he is funny...and serious and makes the strangest of things come to life as he lets his narrative come alive in his voice... he is an educated man who says “u and i” and not “u and me”... as trivial as that may seem, it marks a strong backbone... not in the language but in life cuz when i say he is a good speaker, i speak not of his diction or his accent but of the depth and soul in the words he utters... undeniably inspiring, he is breathtaking and his love liberating... like the love i saw in my father’s eyes as he looked at his wife, the bearer of his children... the love i felt in the goodnight kiss my daddy placed on my lips every night of my youth... liberating love that does not ask you to morph into a figment of another’s imagination or a carbon copy of “that girl, in the magazine, who belongs to the photoshop nation”...
...liberating love

so i said “dear Lord he reminds me of someone i knew...and intimately so...

and as he tells me that it’s not about him but about me and it has been all along... as he counts his days of suffering as joy and preparation for me... as he says i am worth the weight of pain and wait for us... as he says when he hears my voice it’s like he’s known it since the beginning of time... as he calls me

Beautiful
Amazing
Lovely
and as he says he is
Grateful
Empowered
Free
Alive

i realise he reminds me of someone i knew....and intimately so....

...cuz we must have met in heaven, conversed in heaven and as we hit the earth we were unknowingly on a mission to find each other, so we could love each other and never lose each other...

...and so i grabbed my journal, from 2years ago, March ‘09... a month before i met him...and i realised i hadd written about him – indirectly so – as i called him:

My Ideal Man – the man i will know and intimately so.