21 Again!! :)

So, I am 21 with 2 years experience!! Fun times.

I want to take this moment to say thank you to God; for life, for love and everything in between.

My parents, Mom and Dad...you guys are and will always be the best parents ever!

Thank you to Mmilidzi Christopher Habangaan, the man i know and intimately so! I love you! Next year, we celebrate this day together.

My family, Busi, Nosi and Superman Aphiwe, Fikile and the kids and everyone else... I love you guys! You put up with this crazy one for years...lol

My friends, the crazy ones and the normal ones. (and the weird ones too)  :)

This little girl is grateful for all the love and care and support through the years. If it weren't for all of you, i would not have made it this far.

I love you all and may God bless you.

Love,

21 Again

ANTICIPATION

Minutes feel like hours

Days like years

I wait for you

For me

For us

I wait

My breath stuck

Waiting

For release

When I finally see

You

Me

Us

Together

You leave me Speechless

I have a confession to make

But I hope You can read tears and hear silence

Cuz this won’t be easy…

Remember the time You formed me in my mother’s womb

And You looked on me with Love

Writing my story out in Your many manuscripts,

With blood as the ink and the cross as the paper…

Well, I spoiled the plot.

I refused to be the spotless angelic princess You envisioned

And fell out of rhythm with Your heart

When I caused me to be miscarried

Miscarrying the task set before me…

To exist, to be…

In and only in You

I, not believing that I was worth You,

Found that all of who You are was just too much for me…

And in finding that out, I wanted to discover if You were enough for me

So I traded Your unfathomable Love for a quick taste of a cheap lie

And guess where it landed me…

Here

I have a confession to make

But I hope You can stand the stench that I reek of

And the odor that inhabits my life

Remember the time I left You waiting at the Altar

Even though You had paid the Price – for me to wear a white dress

And for US to have Our wedding underneath the grandeur of the stars that You

Effortlessly arranged in the sky…

They spelt out my name, and even now still do, and yet

I rejected You

Remember when I left You at the Altar?

Well, I soiled that dress… by jumping around in the mud with Satan

Remaining married to his grime when You had promised me the clouds

I spoiled the plot, again…

I refused to be Your masterpiece

Refused to understand how You could see beauty in what didn’t seem beautiful

I refused to wear white even though You promised me white as snow was possible

Refused to meet You, and to allow the Master to officiate Our union

I cast You aside, in disbelief

And shame

And guess where it landed me…

Here

I have a confession to make

But I hope You can read pain and hear distress

Cuz this won’t be easy…

There was a war going on within me

My soul was so out of rhythm with Your Spirit and I was losing it

Losing the plot, losing sight of You…

I, eyes wide shut, entered a dark place

I was groping around in darkness, grabbing at what I thought was You

But see I didn’t understand that darkness could not exist in and with You

So when I clung to what I thought was You, with eyes wide shut in pitch darkness

I didn’t know I was clinging to Satan, who refused to hand over the freedom I thought I had gained

I clung on to what I thought was You, fooled by his charming voice and irresistible charm

And then I opened my eyes

And all I was left with was his bastard child, with horns for ears and pitch-forks for hands

It was screaming and wailing disgustingly, torturing my soul with its eerie eyes

I, was left behind with this Sinfully Transmitted Disease

With my perfect white dress soiled with the sickening lifeblood of a fiend I knew I could never love

I had transgressed You and look where it left me…

Forgive me Father,

I am so inclined to linger and lag behind;

My will is weak but even so my desire is strong and I want to grow

Grow

Grow out of this dead world and into You

I want to be synchronized with You

Your Spirit and my soul moving as one

I am tired of letting the past and useless details choke up Your existence

Tired of back pedaling against my call like Moses,

Or living with Joshua where the grass is always greener in someone else’s yard

That yard is dangerous

Cuz if it’s not Yours it sure belongs to that scum that left me filthy and shamed

Tired of being a slave, knowing full well that Christ set me free yet still wanting to be chained

I am tired of settling for love that won’t last,

Living life married to the mud when I was promised the clouds

I couldn’t tell You were in Love with me because this world was confusing me

And look where it left me…

You who forms the mountains,

Who creates the wind,

And who reveals His thoughts to mankind;

You who turns dawn to darkness

And treads on the heights of the earth –

The Lord God is Your name…

You who searches hearts and minds

You saved my life from death…

You were whipped so that the veil could be ripped

And I, Your bride, could look on You with Love

As You read Your vows to me

Underneath the grandeur of the stars…

You, saying You do and will Love me and follow me even to the depths of my sin

You, made a promise and delivered

Yet I was so blinded by this world

I missed it all

When I was meant to witness it all

You found me hiding behind all my disguises

You saw everything that I am, and still came for me and died

You wiped my slate clean, sat down with me and showed me Your masterpiece

Me, the Master’s piece, envisioned before time began

You gave me the Master’s Peace

You showed me Your love

Your love commanding life and deserving devotion

You became the reason for all my commotion

To whom can I compare You?

No means of measure can define Your limitless Love

You, found me curled up in fear

Fearing men, which meant I wasn’t truly free

And You came and told me Truth

And indeed You set me free

I have a confession to make

You are everything, everything I have ever wanted…

All in One

My life I intend to give to You…

In appreciation I do it willingly

In obedience I do it faithfully

In affection I do it lovingly

I live for this and this I am prepared to give my life for,

Your unselfish Love

Your pure and righteous Love

I have a confession to make

But I hope You can read tears and hear silence

Cuz You leave me speechless…

Just Like His Brothers

 What, what is man that You are mindful of him? –

The son of man, that You care for him?

You –

Formed us after the image of Your own being

Gave us breath – breath from the purest most sacred source –

You –

Placed the cleanest most righteous above everything,

Leaving nothing that is not subject to Him –

Christ –

You –

Made Him flesh so He could descend from His throne of glory

Yet not descend from His state of glory, righteousness

Put on earth to reveal to man that

You –

Are mindful of him, that

You –

Care for him,

You –

Made death drink from his own cup

Through death He –

Christ –

Put to death the sting and curse of death,

Trampling on death for all,

That none may come face to face with death, because…

IT IS FINISHED!

Bringing us, now His brothers, to glory

To You –

For whom and through whom everything finds being,

Father and He – the Son

Shared in our humanity…

You –

Through Christ – became like us in every way and made atonement

For sins that were crushing [You] and destroying us,

You –

Made him like us to rescue us from the labyrinth of torture and pitch blackness so

You –

Could immerse us in the lake of mercy – of His blood

You – took one who was Holy and Perfect and crowned Him

With thorns – a crown of Ultimate Glory,

Made Him like His brothers that He may call them to glory and honor…

You made us brothers.

Messages in a Dream

Don’t wake me up…

I want this dream to be my life

Its purity makes me feel heaven bound

Its genuineness unearthly

Don’t wake me up…

This is all I’ve ever imagined and more

A common ground shared by two hearts

Hearts that want nothing more than to love

With the entirety of the Word [God] itself [Himself]

Don’t wake me up…

I don’t believe the world is as fragrant as this place I now find myself

“Sweet Seraphim Infusions” he mutters

I believe him, surely this is heaven

Don’t wake me up…

I am in the process of learning to trust that promises last

The world is plastered with fleeting moments of happiness

Only God knows what will last, pure joy

Don’t wake me up…

I am in conversation with the heavenlies

My heart is beating in response to words spoken to my soul

I am not scared, simply amazed

That such grace is mine

Don’t wake me up…

The sound of his voice feeds my longing heart

It floods my mind, my soul with the purest of thoughts

It melts my heart… his voice

Don’t wake me up…

Lest the promise of his countenance is not what my eyes will behold

Assure me I will be permitted to cradle myself in his arms

Convince me he will be beside me when I wake

If not…

Don’t wake me up…

Even then…

Let me, let him, let US savor this dream

Under the wing of He who Lives

Caged in His Love… Let us dream

Dear Dearly Departed

“He who has an ear let him hear…”
I write this for the ones,
who have long left us,
For the souls set free,
For the hearts now filled with glee,
For no more pain they see
No more agony…

Dear Dearly Departed,
I envy your freedom,
I covet your peace,
Peace found in the ultimate silence of the heart,
Silence of the voices of the earth that harass and question,
Voices that vex the soul; pester the being…

Get behind me oh Satan, and yet he lingers…

Dear Dearly Departed
I envy your free breath,
For life is dead, as alive as your remains that remain in the earth,
Rotting away in the filth of this immoral world
The worms the words I speak, the maggots the actions that are products of my thoughts…
Don’t look at me from whence you are free,
My shame makes me desire to cross over, to you…

Get behind me oh death, and yet he remains striking…

Dear Dearly Departed
Where have you taken my joy?
Where has the ecstasy of my youth vanished to?
Where are the eyes of innocence that once I looked through?
Shall I follow you to find me again?
Shall I seek you out to discover my actuality?
Shall I…

Get behind me oh doubt, and yet he bedevils me…

Dear Dearly Departed
I have not yet accepted that you are now absent
For my mind will not allow sorrow my heart to corrupt,
And my heart will not see faith my soul forget.
For dare I charge you with my groan and fear,
A great injustice I will do to you,
For I would be sending to you this world’s grimy mess.

Get behind me oh sorrow, you have no room here.

I Look At You

“Where do you come from? Where are you going? “– Joran Greef


These two questions were posed to a class of about 100 students yesterday. A young man, so nervous in his stance, yet resolute in his speech asked these questions and made me stop and re-think my life for a little while.

Where do you come from? Where are you going?

Joran was a guest lecturer for one of my courses, New Venture Planning, and in all honesty I expected him to talk about how he started his venture, how he failed but kept his head high until success was realized. But he didn’t say any of that, and quite frankly I am glad he didn’t. Instead, he took the lives of icons, opened our eyes to these icons while delicately weaving a lesson; a lesson that perhaps requires some soul searching, but is valuable and worthy of mentioning.

In doing so, he induced in me the need to have a concrete answer for these two questions, for in the answers to them, lays my purpose, my reason for being, my passions….

I thought about it for a while…and when prompted again with the question, I answered:

“I come from the place I seek and endeavor to return to: at my Father’s feet”

Yes… my life is a journey in this big world… I am only a traveler, passing by. This world is not my home. I am the sojourner, and my destination is my home…my destination is at the throne of the King of kings and Lord of lords… at my Father’s feet.